10 Basics for Implementing Positive Discipline

When I was little and asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my response was always "a mom". It has always been my dream and now I am living it. I have two little boys, who I adore. Easton will be three in September and Connor turned one in May. Before having children, I always knew I wanted to discipline (teach) them well and in a positive manner. However, I don't fully understand "how" this can be done. I have had moments of frustration (and lack of sleep!), where I've made mistakes and quickly realized I need to respond in a different way. My good friend, Holli, recommended "Positive Discipline - The First Three Years" as a starting point. I checked it out from the library as a quest to improve myself as a mom and as a teacher. One chapter talks about 10 basics for implementing positive discipline, which I want to remember for myself and share with you today:

1) Create a connection before a correction: Helping children feel a sense of belonging and significance (connection) is the foundation of Positive Discipline. Connection can take many forms. It can be as simple as saying "I love you and the answer is no" or validating feelings: "I know you don't want to stop playing, and it is time for bed." It is helpful to be self-aware and to notice when you find yourself in a power struggle with your child. When that happens, be willing to back away and start over when you have changed your attitude--which will enable your child to change his. 

2) Get children involved: Instead of telling him what to do, find ways to involve him in decisions (in age-appropriate ways, of course) and to draw out what he thinks and perceives. "Curiosity questions" are one way to do this. Ask, "Where do we put your diaper?" "Which book do you want to read?" or "How should we get ready for the zoo?" For a child who is not yet bale to talk, say, "Next, we ____", while kindly and firmly showing her instead of telling her. 

• Offer acceptable choices: Having choices gives children a sense of power. Choices also invite a child to use his thinking skills as he contemplates what to do. And, or course, toddlers often love it when choices include an opportunity to help. "What is the first thing we should put away when we get home--the ice cream of the orange juice? You decide." Or "Would you like to carry the blanket or the cracker box as we walk to the car? You decide." Adding "you decide" increases your child's sens of power. Be sure the choices are develpmentally appropriate and that all the choices you give are options you are comfortable with. When your child wants to do something else, you can say, "That isn't one of the choices. You can decide between _____ (repeat the choices available). 
• Provide opportunities to help: Toddlers often resist a command to "go to the car" but respond cheerfully to a request like "I need your help. Will you carry the keys to the car for me?" Activities that might easily have become power struggles can become opportunities for laughter and closeness if you use our instincts and creativity. 

3) Create Routine: Young children learn best by repetition and consistency. You can ease the moments of transition in family life by creating reliable routines for your little one. Routines can be created for eery event that happens over and over: getting up,bedtime, dinner, shopping and so on. Then you can say to your child, "Now it's time for _____". As soon as your child is old enough, get him involved in helping you create routing charts. These are a kind of "map" that can be illustrated with pictures of your child doing the necessary task. Once he's older, he will love telling you what's next on his routine chart. If he forgets, avoid telling. Instead as, "What is next on your routine chart?" Reward charts take away from your child's inner sense of capability, because the focus is on the reward. Routing charts simply list sequences of events, and act as guidelines for common tasks.

4) Teach respect by being respectful: Children learn respect by seeing what it looks like in action. Be respectful when you make requests. Don't expect a child to do something "right now" when you are interrupting something he is thoroughly engaged in. Give him some warning. "We need to leave the park in two minutes. Do you want to swing one more time or ride the teeter-totter?" Invite him to pick out a ringtone on your phone. Then set the tier together for an agreed-upon time. When it goes off, it is time to go. Sham and humiliation are disrespectful, and a child who is treated with disrespect is likely to return the favor. Kindness and firmness show respect for your child's dignity, your own dignity, and the needs of the situation.

5) Use your sense of humor: Often, laughter is the best way to approach a situation. Learn to laugh together and create games to get unpleasant jobs done quickly. Humor is one of the best--and most enjoyable--parenting tools. It's amazing how a child who resists a direct order will respond with enthusiasm when that order becomes an invitation to play. Try telling your toddler, "I bet you can't pick up all your little cars before I count to ten," or "I wonder if you can brush your teeth and get into your pajamas before Dad does."

6) Get into your child's world: Understanding your baby's or toddler's developmental needs and limitations is critical to parenting in the first three years of lie. Do your best to be empathetic when your child cries (or has a temper tantrum). He may just be frustrated with his lack of abilities. If you want to leave the park and your child isn't ready to go, give her a hug and validate her feelings: "You're really upset right now. I know you want to stay, and it's time to leave." Then hold your child and let her experience her feelings before you move on to the next activity. If you were to pamper your child by letting her stay at the park longer, she would not have the opportunity to learn from experience that she can survive disappointment--and she might be learning that you can be manipulated. Getting into your child's world also means seeing the world from her perspective and recognizing her abilities--and her limitations. Ask yourself occasionally ho you might be feeling (and acting) if you were your child. It can be illuminating to view the world through a smaller person's eyes.

7) Follow through with kind and firm action: if you say it, mean it, and if you mean it, follow through: Children usually sense when you mean what you say and when you don't. It's usually best not to say anything unless you mean it, are willing to do it, can say it respectfully--and can follow through with dignity and resect. Sometimes the fewer words you say, the better! This may mean redirecting your child or showing her what she can do instead of punishing her for what she can't do. It also might mean wordlessly removing a child from the slide when she refuses to leave, rather than getting into an argument or a battle or wills. When this is done kindly, firmly and without anger or words, it will be both respectful and effective. 

8) Be patient: Understand that you may need to teach your child many things over and over before she is developmentally ready to understand. For example, you can encourage a young child to share, but don't expect her to understand the concept and do it on her own right way. Sharing requires time, practice, and better-developed impulse control. When she refuses to share, rest assured that this doesn't mean she will be forever selfish. It will help to understand that she is acting age-appropriately. Don't take your child behavior personally and think your child is mad at you, bad, or defiant. 

9) Provide lots of supervision, distraction, and redirection: Minimize your words and maximize your actions. Young children need constant supervision. If a child heads toward an open door, quietly take her by the hand and lead her to where she needs to go. Show her what she "can" do instead of what she can't do. Instead of saying, "Don't hit the dog," show her how to touch the dog nicely. When you understand that children don't really understand "no" the way you think they should, it makes more sense to use distraction, redirection, or any of the respectful Positive Discipline methods.

10) Accept your child's uniqueness: Remember that children develop differently and have different strengths. Expecting from a child what he cannot give will only frustrate both of you. Your sister's children may be able to sit quietly in a restaurant for hours, while yours get twitchy after just a few minutes, no matter how diligently you prepare. That being the case, you may decide to save that fancy meal out for a time when you can enjoy it in adult company--or when your children have matured enough for all of you to enjoy it together. It may help to think of yourself as a coach, helping your child succeed and learn how to do things. You're also an observer, learning who your child is as a unique human being. Never underestimate the ability of a young child. Watch carefully as you introduce new opportunities and activities; discover what your child is interest in, what he can do by himself, and what he needs your help with in order to learn.


You can also view: Rethink "time out" for toddlers